My sour throat got worse on Day 2, and with my painful throat and hard cough, after just 3 hours of sleep, I woke up at 1 am and couldn’t go back to sleep anymore. I felt so sick that I started debating if I should leave the course. The embarrassment of being a big distraction with my continuous coughing and sneezing in a quiet meditation room sucked, but the guilt of spreading germs to my fellow classmates would be even worse. I would feel so bad if those who sat and slept next to me started getting sick after a few days.
So I thought I would talk with the course manager and tell them about my intention of leaving after the 4-6am meditation session. Although the center had asked me many times for the confirmation of my dedication and willingness to stay for the entire period of the course and I told them surely I would stay, I thought my reason of quitting – being sick and didn’t want to disturb others in the course – was a legitimate one. And I went back for a nap around 3.
Then strange thing happened. Somehow when I woke up at 4, I felt all energetic again, no more soar throat or running nose. I wondered why. But since everything was fine, I stayed. Later in the discourse, I learned that students quitted mostly on Day 2. In fact, there were two students quitted for I didn’t see them today.
I told the teacher about this and while he reminded me to take care of my health, he said that it was likely because my subconscious mind wanted me to quit the course. Both our body and mind were not use to the new living style I was getting myself into and they didn’t like that. They were used to searching outward, but never going within, observing and exploring the world within ourselves. So I guessed it might be a demonstration against this meditation course by my subconscious mind.
Today discourse explained why the course needed 10 days and in this particular setting. All these were designed to help the students to experience first-hand the world within. We could learn from others. But experience of other people isn’t our own reality. It is just knowledge borrowed. It is our own reality only if we have experienced it ourselves. (This is a very cool way to answer people when they ask me why I am doing this and why I am doing that… I will use this as my answer from now on 😉 )