I wasn’t sure why, but the idea of quitting crossed my mind again. I actually thought about calling dad with my secretly kept mobile and asked him to call and lie to the center that there were some family emergency which needed me to be back right away. Well, of course, this was just some crazy thoughts. I wouldn’t quit for I had already made it to this far (but still… there were another 6 painfully long days to go…).
Basically, I doubted if Vipassana was my cup of tea. There are thousand different kinds of meditation in this world. Why Vipassana? The fact that Vipassana is created and taught by the Buddha does make it seems more reliable and convincing. But the Buddha created this meditation 2500 years ago, is its methodology still suitable, well-fitted to our lives today? This kept lingering in my mind the whole day.
Today my mind was very disturbed. I couldn’t keep a calm and peaceful mind. When I closed my eyes during meditation, I would see many horrible, ghostly, bloody scenes flashing in front of me. I was so scared that at some points of time, I wouldn’t dare to close my eyes. I told the teacher about this in the open Q&A session and he said my fear, as an accumulated past reaction (sankhara), arising to the surface of the mind. Instead of feeling scared and hiding away (ie: by not closing my eyes), I should face it with a smile and observe it objectively.
Tonight discourse said Day 2 and Day 6 were two most popular drop-out days. Wow! That’s exactly what I had gone through. They knew their students very well huh!